My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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