Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?