You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My dress code is business-casualty.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients