I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
You have been warned.