[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*