Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.