I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Morning.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away