HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.