Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You Might Also Like
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How to woo a woman
Extremely relatable.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*