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Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.