Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.