What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
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Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My whole life was a lie.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says