Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.