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I have so many questions.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
#Caturday
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down