A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.