I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe