[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Why am I like this?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”