the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”