NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
White Castle for the Win
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.