I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
You Might Also Like
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Ferrari squats
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology