I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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sin harder.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol