Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Finally!
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
was Jim off killing horses or…
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
😂😂
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.