my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
SF is the wild wild west man
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.