Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack