Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.