Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT