A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
You Might Also Like
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!