A short story about romance.
You Might Also Like
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!