I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!