Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Beware…..
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Is this you?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!