That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Unexpected Judgment
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside