Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.