I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Lol.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The news is so predictable nowadays
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?