Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.