*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
LOL
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.