My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Whoa 😂
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Stop sending me this shit.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*