I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You Might Also Like
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
i’m sure it’s fine
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”