[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The Weeknd is back
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Every time my phone rings
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.