If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
This hospital has everything
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.