I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.