Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
*limbos away from your hug*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier