How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*