I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I am yelling
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”