Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
i’m sure it’s fine
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.