(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You Might Also Like
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?