GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!