her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.