8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.