I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.