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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?